Yes, I too have been hurt. I have had my share of days where I lay on the bed crying streams of tears. Trying to hold them back, to be able to eat or even breathe. I am living a happy life at present but the flashbacks of those days and moments still haunt me.
They still give me tears. When I look back to pinpoint the people or the moments that led me there. If there is something that I feel. Its anger, even worst, sometimes it’s the same love I had and still carry for him.
But now, I also know that there is a deep relationship between forgiveness and mental health. I can never stress enough on this relationship. Infact, it has been proven that if we were to consider the advantages and disadvantages of forgiveness, the benefits of forgiveness would always outweigh the latter. It is the journey until we get to it that decides the direction we steer our lives towards
There are people who wish us good and do their best to help us in those hard times. Despite that I have lost the count of times when something that was supposed to be an empathetic comment like, ‘it is all in the destiny’; ‘in the end, it is all in our hands’, had me blaming myself again.
I don’t blame them, not everyone is a therapist, neither am I.
But it has taken everything in me to not to shout at their face, ‘it’s not me. No one would want to lose their parents or be cheated on or be raped or being depressed.’ It’s not the destiny, I doubt the merciful creator would choose that kind of pain for something so beautiful he has created. It’s not about starting a blame game, it is about logically picking out the reason instead of spiralling into never-ending thoughts of why’s and how’s.
If there’s someone responsible its the abuser. Yes, I would use the same word for anyone who has given this amount of pain. Be it a spouse who cheated or a family member who tormented you emotionally.
Darling, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. There’s no one to be blamed but them. And you don’t have to be humble to shift the blame from them to destiny or the god you believe in. You have to accept it in the matter of a fact way that it was them and no beating around the bush.
Love, I know if there is something that this realization would make you feel; it’s anger. So much of it that it will make you go mad with ideas of taking revenge or wishing them bad. I still have guilt for the day I had wished for him to be dead. Sadly, at that moment, I believed only that could bring me peace and justice.
But as I held on to these thoughts and emotions. I realized if they were harming anyone; it was me. It was making me invest my energy in negative thoughts and ideas. In a way, I was still giving him the power to control me. I was still wasting my energy on him and his thoughts.
That is when I chose to take that power back from him and detach. I think this is the most important part of the process of forgiving. This why you should forgive yourself before you forgive anyone. Because if there is someone who has to be there for you, it is nobody but you. I failed myself by dwelling into grief for someone who did not deserve. So I forgave myself and chose to detach. This is why is it important to forgive yourself.
Do not wish them bad or good. For now, just focus on yourself. Though at a later stage, you may want them to be happy and healthy like you want for everyone else. But for now, it is the best to detach. Their existence and actions shouldn’t and wouldn’t affect you. Because you have already done your part. Now if there is something that you owe to anyone. Its love for yourself. So that you stay happy and can heal. And harbouring anger is like feeding a flame that will engulf you in the end.
When you choose to forgive because of compassion and empathy, it always needs to be directed towards yourself. Not because your abuser has already been punished (sooner or later they will be) or because they have changed. It has to be because you have suffered enough, first because of them and then because of this resentment that you have been carrying. For that first, you also need to forgive yourself for something terrible you might have done amidst those traumatising moments when our bodies took to survival mode.
So take a deep breath and let him go. Wish him well. Not because they deserve that but because a good soul like yours would want well for anyone. And, you wouldn’t make anyone who treated you badly feel special by wishing the other way round for them! This is how this act of forgiveness rewires your brain and brings only the best for you. After all, that’s what you deserve!