I often imagine how would things be if we could wear our emotions on our sleeves. If it was feasible to let go of all those tears we hide behind those perfectly measured smiles. If we could shout at the top of our lungs, telling how badly the wounds hurt instead of taking to those careful nods and short replies?
What if we could show all our scars and move around revealing them and our vulnerabilities to everyone. Maybe, then they could be a bit more careful with us and perhaps, a bit less annoyed by our withdrawal.
It is the brutality of our conditioning that we all suffer the same pain that shreds us apart yet choose to suffer in isolation. At different times, because of different reasons its always the same. Yet we aren’t able to talk about it though its the only way out.
Do you think you would be able to flaunt your scars as I sit with my eyes fixated on you waiting for the moment you open up so that I can tend them as carefully as possible? Just because I wish that you don’t hurt like I did; or would it be too much to ask for?
They say if we want to bring about a change, we must start with ourselves. So today I have decided to speak up too. Both, for myself and others.
For this, let me take you back to the time which is a life-changing phase for any student; the first year of college. Luckily, I was one of those few students who manage to get into the colleges they dream about.
I got admission into a medical college and was all set on my way to becoming a doctor.
Looks like a dream life right? Hold on! There’s the other side of the story too.
During this time, I was also fighting with my set of problems, that are too personal to discuss here, on social media.
I had been fighting alone, for a long time. So when this ‘dream phase’ actually started; I had had enough. My brain had to started to give up.
To add more to this was body shaming, I am too lean.
At present, I am proud in my own skin. But the brain of a 19-year-old girl could not understand this. So it became one of the reasons for my downfall.
I got tired of listening to the phrases like “this doesn’t suit you,” “you should not wear this.” These words started making their way straight to my heart and brain from my ears.
I fell head-first into depression. I have a large circle of friends but no one would listen.
The words that you could expect from any adolescent, like its common, let me down, over and over again.
I slowly started drowning in my grief. I started giving up, I used to think of ways to take my life, I used to imagine jumping off the wall of my hostel.
But I could not. I used to think about my parents and take a step back.
I would wake up late at night to cry, in the bathroom so that no one could see me break down. But my sobs would wake up my roommates.
When I look back today, I am thankful they did for they provided me with the much-needed comfort.
It was then, I met a friend online who became my saviour. Sharing with a friend online was easier for me than sharing with the ones who know me for real. Perhaps I didn’t have to fake the smile I am known for.
Eventually, I started opening about it to my family also and they understood too.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to get your sympathy or portray myself as a hero. All I want to say is I just decided to speak up, to someone, to a complete stranger and that helped me. And that has made the difference.
I recovered and I am healthy. I have also opened up my own clinic today lately. Maybe if I didn’t speak up, I would have been still stuck there, suffocating with every breath that I take.
My point is that I decided to open up, to speak up and that was what made the difference.
So if you are reading this, and are suffering too; please talk to someone.
Let’s learn to speak up before it gets too late, before we lose someone dear. Let’s break open the cold crust to grow and not break down to lose ourselves.
I decide to break open to grow and rise instead of breaking down and losing. Would you too?
Feel free to share your depression tale too. Write your heart out in the comments below or simply types ‘yes’ and we will reach out to you.