There’s something about saying goodbye to you that always scared me. I kept you so close to my heart that I was always afraid when it came to letting you go.
After all, aren’t all goodbye always a risk? Because we never know if we will ever see them again or not.
I find it ironical that we bid goodbyes to our loved ones as if these mean nothing.
Sometimes, when I try to think about what happened to us and our love. I feel its the universe giving a part of what I believed in back to me, that I couldn’t be lucky enough to get a guy like you.
Now, every sweet memory that I wanted to cherish is covered with the hazy memory of the day you left. Just like steam settles on the glass. I can still see through it but nothing is clear until I consciously put it aside.
I was always afraid that you would slip away from my hands and you both; did and did not. I didn’t see you move away from me, inch by inch but I did see the giant tsunami of emotions that separated us.
The worst part, my love, was seeing you go away the way you did. It was like all those pennies we had stored in our piggy bank thrown on the ground and disappearing in the air. Almost like we had made nothing. Like we were nothing.
I wouldn’t ever be able to find the right words for the amount of pain that it brought along. So much that for the first, and hopefully the last time I cried, out into the sky, not to myself but screaming and calling out to my mom.
I didn’t want anyone else to exploit my vulnerabilities, maybe not even her. So I bid you goodbye and was straight at her door, with a smile plastered on my face.
I remember our last hug. When I wanted to and did not want to hold you at the same time. I wanted to feel the same warmth your arms gave me, for one last time.
You used to say I never have enough of things, that I am always asking for more. But, my love that day I did. I had enough of you. I realized that you weren’t the person I loved. The warmth we had disappeared too, just like that piggy bank.
I could not understand when the person who couldn’t see a tear on my face wasn’t affected by them anymore. Everything changed so fast.
But you know what? That day, when we bid our final goodbye I stole a moment from you.
You were going on about something, maybe my flaws, but I managed to keep the smile on my face intact. I asked you for drag and stepped back to look at you, from head to toe, from your gelled up hair to your blue sneakers.
I wanted to hold that image of yours forever in my brain. Then I cracked a silly joke and you smiled, despite everything that was going on. That’s how I wanted to remember you and I did.
That day too I managed to steal more than you had to give, I stole that moment and captured that forever in my memories.
Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash